Jackie's Relationship Transformation

Introduction

In The Next Frontier, the piece written by AA Co-founder Bill W in 1957, he points us toward emotional sobriety:

“If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.”

In order to understand those crippling dependencies, we must look deeply within ourselves to underlying causes, expectations, and old ideas that no long serve us well.

In The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of AA, Bill adds this remarkable thought:

“We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives.”

Following is Jackie’s story of how this was revealed to her in her own personal experiences and relationships. It is a message of hope for all of us who have unhealed relationships even as our recovery has advanced through the years.

Relationships Can Be Transformed (Because We Can Be Transformed)

I recently attended a Progressive Recovery Workshop.  The workshop seemed like the perfect opportunity to work on my relationship with my youngest daughter Ana, age 27. My self reliance in trying to figure her out failed me. It was time to ask for guidance. I signed up for the Workshop with an open mind and a willingness to look at my part in our relationship.    

My willingness to do the work blessed me.  I did a lot of writing on my relationship with my daughter. A thorough 4th Step revealed that I was wrong about the assumptions I had conjured up over the years. My behaviors around her were all based on ideals I thought were true. These ideals kept a silent distance between us. I was trying so hard to be the Mother I thought she wanted me to be. I felt her shift towards independence meant that I would no longer be needed in her life. What I have since learned is that her growth and independence were actually quite normal for her age.  It wasn’t Ana who had the issue, it was me!  I needed for her to need me so I would feel ok with me. No wonder I could not find emotional sobriety. My dependence on her validation made it impossible.

I had to take a good look at myself and my expectations. Hanging on to these old ideals had no value in my life anymore.  I needed to look toward God for the awareness to clear this channel that blocked me from Him.

It was during a guided meditation at the workshop that God revealed the truth to me. During the meditation my negative thoughts began to shift.  The message I was receiving was that I was a Good Mother. The fact was that my daughter and I had just the right relationship!  How could that be?  Nothing had changed that day other than a shift in my perspective.  My perfectionism and all or nothing thinking got in the way. The relationship had to be just perfect according to me. I was able to unravel my thoughts to see reality. The shift in my perspective has drawn my daughter near to me in ways I thought I would never know.  I am no longer full of expectations of what the relationship should be. There is no rule book on our relationship anymore.   I pause and accept her for who she is and continue to watch for the neediness within me.

This shift not only made me look at my behaviors with my daughter but with my family and friends. I continue to watch for my neediness in these relationships. With Gods Grace I have been learning to use the tools from the Workshop with all of the relationships I have today.

I am so thankful! So is Ana!